Updates here have slowed to a halt simply just because I've been busy and a lot of my inital passion has been fading away a bit. I still care about it and I'm going to do a lot more, but it'll be slow. This is my home and I don't like moving.
I've been playing minecraft non-stop. Also a LOT of league. Reinstalled it to play with a friend who... well I guess we're not friends anymore. Messaged them like 3 weeks ago and said "hey if you wanna play league sometime just message me." I've seen them online in game a bunch of times, solo and they never once bothered. Kinda sucks but whatever I guess. So I played on my own a bit.
Been playing sona support in ranked a lot, kinda shit at it but we're learning.
It's actually been really enjoyable, playing league for a few hours, smoking and listening to music.
I've been sloppy with writing in here. Still feeling sad and lonely so that's whatever.
However! what is fun is that I've been playing lots of minecraft! I continued playing solo on that world with bestie S and it's been fun
I thought about starting a new world but I don't wanna have 2 and only play on one of them like thrice a year.
Other than that, I've been coding a bit, should continue making the new segment and writing some music reviews. I think I'll write the Twin Fantasy one next, it's been ON REPEAT since last.
Also I've been doing dailies like crazy. Clues by sam and worlde.
I'm trying to shift my sleep, intentionally this time. It's far too hot to be awake all day. I've been sitting here naked and SOAKED in sweat.
I've done a lot since I last wrote in here. I completely re-riced by entire DE, hyprland, waybar, rofi, the works. I'm trying to learn how to use quickshell now and it's going alright.
it's far more powerful than waybar is but it's also way more complicated.
Oh and I also overhauled by neovim, it's different now, better I think. Some things need tweaking and adjusting but the new integrations with git are STELLAR! I am LOVING this, it's so nice.
Now you may ask, what do you use git for, you're not a dev? And you'd be sorta right. I use git for this website and my various side projects. See I'm trying to learn how to write code in rust
so I've been making some small programs, I made a random album picker, I made a blackjack game and some other small projects! I'm really proud of the blackjack game actually, took a lot of effort.
I spent some time with bestie S a few hours ago, played minecraft, love playing games with her.
Bestie P is attending a wedding and I hope it goes well for him
I think I might just be depressed. I was playing that game 'Peak' With a 6 different friends and even still, I feel sad and loney.
I was even invited to play, they asked me by name to join and even now I feel so... like I'm not wanted. They haven't even done anything to make me feel that way,
but still I just can't help but to feel like people don't want me around. This really fucking sucks.
I've been depressed before, for a long time actually, but it's never been about what other people thought of me. This feeling is so strange to me and I don't like it.
I don't know what I can do about it either. I should've had tons of fun today, this is literally what I've been asking for but I just didn't.
I found myself sitting silently just being there the entire time. I don't know why I'm like this.
No entry yesterday since.. well I'm stil awake.
I need to sleep but I'm not at all sleepy. Woke up at like 11 yesterday, got some pizza from the usual place. I try not to eat too much of that because it's expensive but it's still about twice a week. Peperoni as usual.
After I ate I got a text! the records I had ordered where at the post office ready for pickup! "Hurray" I said, not knowing what was about to happen to me.
So, I go down to pick it up, it's not far from here, takes like 3min at most. However when I get there, they tell me that they do not have have never accepted packages from that delivery service.
strange, given how it says in the app that it was at that store. So I call customer service only to be greeted by some worthless do nothing waste of resources AI chatbot.
So I try telling this bot that I want to speak to a human, eventually it lets me thought... into a 20min long queue.
So now I'm stuck doing fuck all while this queue shrinks. Eventually I get a human person, although it's just my luck that this employee was somehow less useful than the AI chatbot.
Frankly it's a testament to how bad you can be at your job and still keep it.
So the Employee,(calling her M for now) told me "Let me call the store to verify that your package is there". I then tell her "Sure go ahead but I was just there in person and they where very clear about not taking parcels from you".
In turn she insists on calling them, she does. I got put on hold for a few minutes as she calls them, they don't pick up and I'm forced to deal with her again. Luckily for me the call didn't last much longer since she just gave up.
She didn't ask anyone else, call anyone else, or bother to do.. well anything. She simply said "I'll investigate this matter further". So I ask if I can talk to anyone else and she refuses to let me.
Now. I had ordered 2 packages from the same place within a day of eachother, the second one was about to be delivered to a different parcel box. So I go "ah hah! maybe they both went there but the app just says the wrong place."
So I call that place, they tell me that they have my package. I then get a notification a bit later saying my 2nd package has arrived at the parcel box. So I go there and... they only have one..
Okay, weird that. However I had noticed that when checking their in app map, that the store I went to first isn't even listed as a currier. How M couldn't think to call the distributor, the other parcel box place or even look at their own map of curriers is beyond me.
Cusomer Service Pt.II! This was way nicer. I call once more, get the same godshit AI, get put in queue, however this time it went faster. I get to an employee, thankfully not M this time, I'll call this one L.
I told L that the app told be the wrong place, that they don't take their parcels and that even on their map they're not listed as a currier. So she does one quick look at the percel entry in their internal database and tells me that they had sent it by a different service.
So these morons had accepted my parcel and right away given it to another postal service for them to deliver it and at no point told me about it.
I call my mom to rant to her about my percel experience, get it out of my system. Her tent had arrived so she told me about that. She's gonna go camping with my siblings soon, I'm also invited but I'm not sure I want to go.
Nothing against camping, I love it, and I love my family. I just can't stand them for longer periods, so 6 days or whatever it was is a bit much for me.
The other alternative is to go for a few days and then go home but honestly I don't want to spend that much money on a ride back home for 3 days camping.
I'm likely just going to pass, if I'm gonna do that it'll have to be when I'm older, and they're older.
After all that not much else happened. I played some Elite Dangerous and I enjoyed my new music. Twin Fantasy, AFUT, and Schlagenheim. Some of my favourites.
I'm thinking of playing some more factorio but it's mostly because I'm getting frustrated by ED, which isn't a good sign. I get frustrated easily when I'm in a bad headspace.
I'd rather my mental wasn't glue for a while, contrary to what this diary might indicate, I actually enjoy being happy.
Oh! and I also did a BUNCH of work on this place. I copied some JS I found and managed to make it work with my site.
It's the revised music section. Making it so you can press the records and see what I think about them.
I need to start writing more and more about them but it's a lot easier when I actually have the records infront of me and I'm listening to them.
There is just such a different vibe entirely to having a real physical record than having it digitally.
Anyways I'm really happy with how it turned out, it's also easy to see what I've written about since they're greyed out if I havent yet. Press them and find out!
Oh and I also installed the gatcha anime horse racing game, the gambling is fun but the actual game itself is rather draining, maybe I shouldn't do a whole career in one sitting.
I've done nothing but play Elite Dangerous today lmao, I got some cute ship and it's been fun. Woke up at a nice time, idk why but I feel drained, maybe because I've been sitting still for so long and only eaten cereal.
I've been playing Elite Dangerous all day just scanning planets. This is actually really relaxing.
I ended up finishing that anime, 'The danger is in my heart' it was actually really good and I enjoyed it.
it's rare to see shonen anime where the main character actually grows as a person and becomes somewhat socially aware.
Now I just feel like watching way more romance anime, I got some BL ones lined up.
I just played elite dangerous for 10 hours straight doing nothing but scanning planets, holy shit that game is paralyzing.
Woke up at like 09 which is much better than before but I spent about an hour just scrolling my phone which isn't great.
Needed to go to the store so I at least got up at some point.
That anime was pretty good actually, I've been enjoying it.
I felt pretty comfortable writing everything out yesterday but today it feels kinda dumb writing text nobody will read but publishing it online anyways.
don't get it twisted, I don't think I want anyone to read it anyways, which is why it bothers me that it's possible. Anyways, I think today might be ok, I don't feel super energetic but maybe that'll come later, drink some coffee and do some cleaning, shower, bet I'll feel way better after that.
ugh, I feel so unproductive. I wanna work on this place but I also kinda don't. I just feel like snacking and watching anime but at the same time, I'd rather actually do something.
I notice I feel like this rather often, where I just feel like doing something at nothing at all, it's annoying.
I keep napping all the time despite doing nothing. When I work I can go and be active for well over 20h without issue but when I do nothing, I'm so tired all the time, I don't get it.
About to go nap again for the 3rd time today, been tinkering with the site which is nice. I know what I want to add but a lot of it takes time and all I wanna do is finish this show, so it'll have to wait untill late tonight or tomorrow
Speaking of things I want to add, I'll get around to making that manifesto eventually. The original idea for this place is totally different from what it ended up being, I'll tell you about it some time but not now. That manifesto will likely have to wait untill then.
I also have a music review to write, some pictures to add, webring, links, and a shrine.. whatever that actually is. I need to browse the indie web way more for ideas and inspo. I have so much work to do and it fills me with joy just thinking about it.
Maybe I should have a section dedicated to shows I watch, that'd be cool. I could make it like a wall of covers and you can click each one to get a popup with what I think about them
Holy shit I fell asleep and just woke up....
I ended up sleeping all day yesterday. A friend kept me up until 2. I woke up at 8 after that and just turned around and slept untill 23.
When I got up I saw some friends in a VC and decided to join, it was late so they didn't stick around for long but it was nice. I really like my friends and they mean a lot to me, even if it doesn't seem like it all the time.
I spent a few hours playing factorio, which was nice, I'm finally getting back into it now. I get the new DLC as well so there's always the pressure to play it haha.
I've been fixing this site for... i don't even know how long now. Deciding to make this diary more of a diary than anything, call it virtual therapy or something. I have a lot of friends and I'm thankful for them but I wish I could have more people to talk to, I just feel like I have a lot I want to share with everyone but nobody ever seems to care enough. It's not their fault tho, they care plenty but it just doesn't feel like it to me. It's most likely just in my head but it still waeres on me, did I spell that word right? "waers" feels wrong.
I think today will be a good day, I need to clean some but it feels ok so far
I just spent the last 1h 20min trying to change foldmethod in neovim from manual to expr and I ended up having to re-install the entire thing, kill me...
I feel lonely. I've been playing factorio but I just feel this sadness. I showed some friends this place a few days ago and nobody really seems to care.
Or maybe they do care, I can't really tell, but it feels like they don't. It feels like that again, where I feel like nobody actually cares about me. Bestie 1 is super busy these days and barely has time to spend with me, we talk like once every third day but only if I pester her, if I don't she won't speak to me for weeks. The other one reaches out to me every now and then and it means a lot but it's always something quick, I don't feel like I get to spend time with him.
I'm also part of this FC in FFXIV, it's like a guild or whatever. They're nice but not really active and honestly, I don't think they like me. I've been there for a few years on and off but I don't even like the game anymore, I just play because I got lonelier when I stopped.
but idk, I just feel so sad. I have so much I care about and that I want to share with people but nobody wants to experience them with me. I have good friends and I'm thankful, I just wish I had friends who... felt like friends. Maybe I'm just being hormonal and over thinking, but I've felt like this for a while. Writing about it, even to an audiance of none, helps.
Anyways, I've been listening to Weatherday's 'Come in' and I feel like crying, so maybe I'll do just that
I feel like watching a bunch of slop anime, so I might just do that. I'm downloading some show called "The Danger's in my heart", gave it a passing glance, seems decent enough.
I never ended up crying earlier. I thought about it but didn't feel right. I just played some games instead and did some tinkering with this place. Think I'm gonna rename this section to just be called 'Diary', that is what I use it for anyways.
I'm really happy with how it's all turnign out, I like the style but I'm not sure how much I enjoy the colors. I might also want to add some decorations, Ive seen some pretty stamp outlines so I wonder if I can make something with white lace
I also want to get around to hosting this on my own machine at some point, not my home pc for saftey reasons but a little server I can tuck away would be nice. Would also drasctically speed up alterations as I won't need to upload them every time, I can just edit them in place.
Think I might start to talk less to my friends. It'll make me feel lonely but I also want to see if any of them care enough to reach out. If they where gone for a while, I'd notice and be worried but I don't know if they would feel the same for me, if they even care about me.
When I used to feel this way before I'd goon or just play a bunch of games but I also didn't used to feel so loney. I never had friends growing up so I didn't notice the lack of company. But now that I've had them, I notice it so much more when they're no around